Every several months I take a social media fast. Not that I
think there’s anything inherently wrong with being on Facebook, Twitter and the
like, but over time scrolling through the noise becomes deafening. So I stop. I
let the urge to click, refresh, scroll down, refresh, express my emotion
instantly, scroll, and get lost in the labyrinth of friends’ profiles pass me
by, even as my fingers seek the keys instinctively. There are days that in my
search bar I start typing “Face....” and stop myself just in time, although
often I click enter before I can stop myself and come face to face with the
tempting log in screen. It’s a daily battle with myself, which I hope will make
me stronger in the long run.
The silence hits. Seconds, minutes, hours open up to a new possibility.
Where once my eyes perused a 4-inch screen to discover its every last message,
now I begin seeing the little details around me. My mind begins to flirt with
thoughts that I’ve shut out for months or ignored vehemently by seeking an
alternative train of thought at the touch of a button.
Am I enough? My mind searches desperately for a reason to
escape giving an answer. Do I need to forgive? Maybe there are dishes that
still need to be washed, laundry that needs to be folded, a room that still
needs to be vacuumed. Do they really care? Reading is supposed to be good for
you, maybe it’s time to pull an old classic from the bookshelf and lose myself
in the prose of an author who actually had it all figured out. Am I where I
should be? I bet there are still some unanswered emails in my inbox, and it
would be rather rude not to respond to them right away, even though they’re
from last week. What do I need to change?
It’s in the silence, deliberating with myself, that I start
to hear the squeaks in what I once thought was a well-oiled instrument,
accentuating areas that need tending to, especially in the painful-to-reach
corners. The unnerving process of confronting each thought head on often gives
me a headache. It’s not like I’m going to figure out the answers to all of my
questions right now anyway. So why try?
These thoughts lead to somewhere in the darkness. Maybe the
darkness is exactly where I need to be from time to time.
Labels: change, grief, life lessons, meditation, mindfulness, prayer, relaxations, trials, writers block, writing